neonbluemidnight's Blog

Thoughts on Thoughts

We are vulnerable to our self talk. Statements made by our internal voice are made true by the subconscious, like hypnotic suggestion. It will forget evidence to the contrary of statements which it has accepted, and focus on that which supports them. For someone like me, who spends a great deal of time alone, in thought, this is a dangerous thing.

Say, for example, I say to myself, "I can't do anything right." Obviously I haven't failed at every single thing I've ever done, but my mind will forget that I have ever succeeded, and will bring me thoughts that support my statement, making me feel worse and worse in a downward spiral. My behavior will also fall in line, providing fresh evidence that the statement is true.

Attempts to consciously override this statement are exercises in futility. There are two solutions I can see; direct action (acting without thinking, "Just Do It"), and solving the statement in the subconscious and replacing it with a new one, using internal dialogue. Direct action seems to be the more effective method, since it will intrinsically solve the now-false statement anyways, and replace it with a new one.

Have to try that.

I Had a Raven Companion

I was hoping he would live to see forty years old, but instead, he only had a couple of months. And it's my fault. I left him to sleep in a tree that wasn't safe, and something took him. I could've spent a few hours building him a nest high up and right next to my house where predators would be unlikely to get to him. Instead I picked a tree at the edge of the property, and I even thought a couple of times that it was too exposed there. He had to walk past a couple of vicious dogs just to get to me from his place.

I guess, I never thought this would happen. A few times I remember thinking that Bardo was an exception to the law of survival, invincible like an angel come down from heaven. And I didn't want to shield him too much, or I'd stunt his intellect.

He was so smart. The last day I had with him, we were under the tree he was later taken from. He was playing with pine cones, making little piles of them and arranging them 'just so'. And sometimes he'd be talkative, and he'd mimic stuff I said to him, along with a bunch of other narly noises. I got him to say "uh oh" on the last day. Appropriate.

I took Bardo along with me when I took Alexis (a bull dog I've been entrusted with) for a walk down some horse trails. After I carried him on my arm for awhile, he jumped down and started walking by himself, with great purposeful strides and the occasional wing flap. He couldn't fly, because his wing was broken from falling out of the nest as a chick, which was also how I found him. But he did use the wing to gain lift and do a little glide. I was really looking forward to seeing him fly someday, even though I knew it would take a miracle for him to be able to fly with that wing. I guess I was right.

I miss him all the time. Maybe it's time to move on, away from all the reminders of the times we had. I almost broke into tears today, when Peter picked up a log, and commented on how many worms were there. Bardo sure loved worms.

I'll always remember this lesson; to appreciate the things I love, every day. Because you never know when you'll wake up one morning to find them gone.

Life on the Farm

So I just started my new life in BC, and I'm having the time of my life! There is some hard work to do, like pushing a loaded wheelbarrow through the mud, but that I don't mind at all. The most fun is taking the horses out for exercise, trail riding.

But the most amazing thing happened to me two days ago. On my way to the fishing hole I found a baby raven! It was barely a week old by my reckoning, still with most of it's pin feathers and a completely bare belly. This has been a long time dream of mine; to find a young Northern Raven and raise it to be friendly, and I couldn't believe my luck. Here I thought I would have to do all this ground work to find a raven nest, waiting for the day the young ones get booted from nest, and then one practically falls into my lap!

With some help from my new buddy George, I named him Bardo Onyx Bonzo, and he is friggin awesome! I spend some time every day hunting down fresh worms for him, and to fill in the spaces I feed him canned dog food, all of which he loves. I have also been chewing up pieces of rabbit meat, which he scarfs down with great abandon. The amount he eats has been going up and up, and if he keeps growing like he has been, he'll be a giant by the time he's done.

I've been learning about ravens and how intelligent they are, and this one seems to be no exception. He responds to his name, and will go quiet if I shush him. I plan to train him to come, go, and stay, and we'll see what else he'll learn. I also found out that ravens can mimic speech, like a parrot, so we'll see if I can't teach him some words.

All in all, I'm enjoying myself immensely. Why didn't I do this sooner?


What a bitter-sweet thing, I wonder if I'll ever see this place again. This might be the last time I pet these cats, sleep in this bed, or smoke a cigarette in this garden. This may be the last cup of coffee I enjoy with my mom, or the last words I speak with my little brothers. Perhaps I will never see any of these people again.

So the last time becomes like the first time. I open my senses to this moment and try to drink it all in, and savour with appreciation every sensation which crosses my palate. I'm leaving, so I say goodbye to the past, and hello to the present. And I am happy! But also sad. Time to hit the road.

Embracing Change

To build a philosophy of life, one must base it on a solid foundation. As I see it, there is only one thing that never changes; change itself. Nothing stays the same, so it seems foolish to make my life based on anything so ethereal as money and possessions. Solidity and security are dangerous illusions. And so, I must let go of these constructions of mind I am hanging on to, if I am to live a life based on truth.

Tomorrow morning I leave behind the safety of this city, to seek out a new way of life, free from the materialistic trappings of this commercialization I live in now. I have managed to slim down my stuff to the point where I can fit everything I own into my Civic, and my goal is to get rid of everything non-essential until I'm down to a few bags, or perhaps even just one backpack.

Where this will lead, I have no idea. Maybe it will lead nowhere at all. But we all end up at the same destination anyways; I intend to enjoy the ride getting there, free and happy as a wanderer. After all, not all who wander are lost.

Dad Uses

What a sick fucking father I have.  He takes about 40 zopiclone, at least that's what he says he took, and then must've crashed into something to make a big noise so that my grandparents, who he's living with, would hear him.  That's what I call a half assed suicide attempt.  Then, when all the family is gathered around, he says the reason he tried to kill himself is because he has dementia from toxic mould in his house, and he has all this work on his house that he can't do himself because the of the mould, and all the house work he says he needs to do has him so depressed that he just had to kill himself.

The thing is, if anyone ever asked him for help, he'd charge them a premium for his time, so he can't just go out and ask the family to help him out because they'd say no, or charge him for THEIR time, he has to pull this sort of shit, nearly scaring my 92 year old grandmother and 90 year old grandfather to death.  It really doesn't get much lower than this...

I know my dad.  If he wanted to kill himself, he would've been successful.  He has always been the master manipulator; always doing whatever it took to get people to do what he wanted.  I recognize it, I grew up in it.  I know I'm a bastard for not being all weepy and compassionate for his little stunt, but I'm just so sick of being manipulated by that guy, and this is just another neat trick he thought up to get us to do what he wants.  I'm not falling for it.

God Talks Back

In the bath I lay, swooning in the heat, covered by thick darkness, praying. I sought to bargain with whatever is out there, I think, making promises of abstinence from lying and cigarettes etc in exchange for truth and power and that sort of thing, when in the silence I heard a voiceless voice speak to me. Here is something close to what I heard.

In the moment of necessity, all oaths will be forgotten, as Peter thrice betrayed his teacher, Jesus. Therefore make no oaths and swear not by your mother or father, nor the sun or the moon, but let your yes be yes and your no be no, lest you make yourself a hypocrite; so that in shame you will turn your face from heaven, and thus the Spirit of Christ cannot dwell in you.

I thought it was worth writing down.


A couple of plants helped me to experience a state that I can only describe as "heaven".  It was impossible to describe in any kind of complete way, but I brought some sign posts back.  It was a state of being, not a place.  There was no thought; it came after experience, but before thought.  In fact, I think it is thought that prevents us from being there all the time.  We all start out in a state of heaven, as small children and before, and then as we are taught about the world and start to gather an experience, we start to identify more and more with the experience.

I glad I was helped to remember it; now I can start working on being there without aid.


My love, what would you ask of me?

Say that you love me.

I love you.

But don't just say it, mean it.

How can I mean love?

Be, love.

I am.

Who I Am

It's like I'm at the amusement park, I've already been on all the rides, and now I'm sitting on a bench alone watching everyone else enjoy the ride, and all I want is to go home. Only, I can't remember who I am, and I don't know where home is.

My body does nearly everything on its own. For the most part, who I am seems to be an observer. There is a kind of experience of having made a choice, but experience shows me that the majority of my choices are made by my body, not by me. This is made evidence by the fact that my body can make me do things that I don't want to do, like smoke tobacco or eat large quantities of food that I don't need. So the question is, do I have any choice at all? And if so, what choices are my body's, and which are mine?  And who the hell am I anyways?!

The choices of the body are always related to its own immortality, survive and reproduce. The body will do what it takes to sate it's hungers, although it is possible to fool it with substitutes. Feed it cake and the body will be sated for a time. But the body has a deeper hunger for the specific things it needs, and I personally find that cake leaves me hungry for something else. Since the stomach is full, I must turn to something else. Perhaps a vice like smoking, or adrenaline (through high risk activities like fast driving or drunk mountain climbing). The point of this is, if I take care of my body and give it what it needs, my body shifts very noticably from "need" mode, to "maintain" mode and suddenly I have control of my life.

I believe that the powerful people that hold great influence over the runnings of the world use this is a way to subdue and control us, through malnutrition. When the body is in a state of desperation, it won't let me have control until it gets the basics taken care of; food, water, safety. Of course, simple turns to complex in the details. Chemically treated dead food, stagnant fluoridated chlorinated water, and a high stress lifestyle will leave my body demanding more again. And there, a multitude of vultures waits to drain the energy of my helplessly predictable body, all promising satisfaction of that leftover hunger (and all coming up short in the long run). Pornography, TV, drugs, gambling, fast food, religion, gaming, all thrive on that endless craving. And the body gives me you no peace until it gets it's way, because my body is an incarnation of ME, and it refuses to be ignored. I feel I must live in harmony with my body before I can ever know joy in my life. So if you want it all in a little nutshell, here it is; I am doing my best these days to love my body. I give it fresh living food, clean water and air, and keep it safe. Instead of trying to give myself more than I need, I'm trying just to focus on what I need, and nothing more. I've learned in my life that if I can be at harmony with my body, it will cease demanding control and then I may have my way with it.

Hypothetical situation; You wrote this blog. You've written every word ever carved into a surface, though you don't remember. Funny thing about memory; the further you are from a certain state of being, the further you are from the memories contained within that state. For example, most people will agree that smoking cannabis affects the memory. However, it has been shown that you are far more likely to recall memories from the time you were stoned if you ARE stoned. Likewise, in lucid dream trials, it was noticed that a past dream can be recalled with great clarity from the dream state, even though the dream had never been consciously remembered by the waking self. Hypnogogia is a useful state for recalling memories because the "normal" state is neglected, and the state that the desired memory occurred in can be easily imagined. This is why you are not aware of the writing of these words in your normal state, or much else outside of what your nerves are transmitting to you right now, your state of being is too different; entranced by the physical, we are.

Who Am I? Not an easy question to mess with. In this relative universe, trying to determine who I am means I must reflect myself off of my surroundings and see what bounces back. Stripping away the layers to get down to the core of who I am has yielded only one fundamental possibility; simply that I am. This impression of individuality interests me. Why is it that there is this thing called "me" that associates itself with this body, and yet the "me" that associates with MY corpse is only indirectly aware of all those other "me"s. Why not directly? The question, "Why am I not you?" has no good answer that I know of. There is no reason to say that I am not you, except that I do not experience you directly. You do appear to respond to the environment in a similar way to me. And when I behaved as though I were the same entity as another person I am relating with, I have experienced some of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Love. In sex Two become One, but more accurately from my point of view, Two experience that they were One all along, an eternity in an instant is the orgasm, the incarnation of immortality. And a new One may come into being as a living representative of the oneness of the lovers. A new "me". It seems that the harder I deny that all things are ME, the colder and more like hell my life becomes. Conversely, when I have embraced any facet of this world as I would embrace myself, I have known the joy of truth. True happiness; the illustrious LOVE.

Who am I? All I know is, I am.

I Am Lost

It's like I'm at the amusement park, and I'm sitting on a bench alone watching everyone else enjoy the ride, and all I want is to go home.  Only, I can't remember who I am, and I don't know where home is.

But how can I ever be found, if I don't first realize that I'm lost?

Fast Complete

I must remember for my next fast to switch to high protein/fat low carb the preceding days.  I had that thought at the end of my last fast, but forgot.  :P  Switching the metabolism to ketosis before fasting would make the process so much easier.

I had some wicked joint pain throughout day 2, but I managed to go through making a batch of banana bread, and my brother cooking up a fish without allowing temptation to gain much of a foothold.  Day 2 always seems to be the hardest.

My appetite has been insatiable, so I may as well reiterate that fasting is not for weight loss.  In fact anyone who even has the association between weight loss and fasting should put the idea out of their mind right now.  You might lose weight while you're fasting, but it WILL increase your metabolic efficiency for a long period of time afterwards, meaning you will require less food to maintain the same weight.  So unless you're going to switch over to a new permanent diet after the fast, don't bother fasting if you're doing it to drop pounds; you'll just gain them back.  Fasting is about cleansing the body, and strengthening the higher mental functions, it's not your miracle diet.

Water Fasting

It's been awhile since I've had the opportunity to take an extended break from work to fast, and I'm grateful for it.  The plan at this point is to take 4 days off from eating to let my body recover from all that labour and stress, but I may extend that time depending on how I feel.  I also discovered recently that one of my wisdom teeth has finally 100% erupted, and there was the beginnings of a cavity where the old gum line had been.  So this fast is about dental healing as well.

I believe fasting is vital to dental health.  In Nazi concentration camps the resident doctors noticed that the prisoners somehow tended to have pristine teeth and gums; which I believe to be an unexpected byproduct of their starvation.  The teeth need time to heal.

It's now been just over 8 hours since I last ate a meal of grapes and 2 carrots, and the food cravings are certainly present.  My nose is runny and I've developed a bit of a headache, but that's normal.  I think now would be a good time for a hot bath, and a nap.  :)
My mood: very relieved
My health: somewhat well

Are You A Lost Cause?

This post was originally an email to a friend, and I realized that I haven't written about it here yet even though it's been a pretty significant moment in my history, and I feel that the message is meant for more than one person.  It has been edited.

Too many people these days are living as if they are walking lost causes, or thinking that the rest of humanity is a lost cause.  They talk about how much they hate themselves, or they hate "people" as if they aren't a person themselves.  Don't think like that!  There are hundreds of things you can do right now to improve your life, or the lives of others who deserve it!  The thing I can't stand is when people just give up on themselves or on humanity in general and stop trying to do anything about it.  The way I see it, if you really give up like that then you should just suicide, because you have nothing to look forward to in life but misery, and you have nothing but mediocrity to contribute.  I don't think there's any shame in that, I don't subscribe to this idea that we have some kind of moral obligation to stay alive.

I'll tell you my story, I almost did kill myself.  I was out on the ledge ready to jump off of my 11th storey floor balcony.  While I was out there I realized the reason that I wished I was dead.   I decided right there that I didn't really want to die, I had just been pretending that I wanted to die so that I wouldn't have to deal with my future.  I decided that I'd had enough of suffering; that I wanted to live and be alive, and that's when my life really started to turn around.

I don't want anyone to kill themselves, I know that if I'd jumped onto the concrete that day I would've missed out on so many experiences, and there are a lot of people that I wouldn't have been able to help.  What I really want is for everyone to stop thinking of this life as a "lost cause", to stop believing that they can't do things just because they're afraid to, to stop living lives of quiet desperation just because they can't overcome their own negativity.  This is the purpose for my life, and it makes me glad that I saved it when I can help even just one person to learn to love life again.

Thanks for reading, and if you need help learning to stop being a lost cause, ask.

My mood: very enlightened
My health: somewhat well

Water Fast Day 3 - Revenge of the Runny Nose

11:45AM, weight 131 lbs, 56 hours SLF, heart rate 68 bpm.

Oh good job, another Star Wars reference...  This blog will be committed to the annals of history, I can see it now!  :P  I haven't experienced any hunger yet today.  I felt really lethargic when I first woke up at 11:00, but I got up and had a glass of water and moved around a bit, and I'm feeling pretty snazzy now.  I stripped down for a wake-up weighing and noticed how obviously trimmer I am, it's the ultimate weight loss diet.  5.5 lbs in 3 days.  I am expecting to put it back on though when I'm done this, I'm not dieting to lose weight.  I'm gonna eat so many avocados...  And for the record I wouldn't recommend this as a way to lose weight either, the detox (while purifying to say the least) is hard on you.  When I first woke up my kidney was burning a bit.  I had a little bit of breast tissue that developed under my nipples when I was incarcerated, due to being on Risperdol, which has completely disappeared.  My fatty regions feel a bit tender and softer than usual.

Last night at 4am (48 hours) I was having some weird stuff going on with my heart.  When I'd move around my heart rate would jackrabbit up to 100 bpm, but I'd sit down and only 2 minutes later it would be down to 60 bpm, and I felt like there were some times around that period that it was even lower than 60.  As far as I know that's the lowest I've ever had my heart rate.  Neither the high nor the low was of too much concern to me, since I get my heartrate up past 120 bpm on a regular basis, and a low heart rate is a good thing, but it was accentuating my sinus arrhythmia which I found a bit disturbing.  So I broke fast somewhat, and (really enjoyed) a cup of chamomile tea with a teaspoon of lemon juice and a teaspoon of honey.  The heart stopped being so noticeable after that.  And wow, it was like the first time I ever ate something while stoned, delicious like, "God DAMN!  That's some tasty tea!" except even better.  The sense of smell is getting better still.  I smelled my cat take a crap before he even did (probably farted as he walked by me to the toilet, that black bastard).

Did I report detox symptoms yet?  Well there aren't really any at this point anyways.  The only interesting thing of notice is how my teeth feel.  Really really smooth, and while I normally have a bit of sensitivity to cold and hot water, this seems to be completely gone.  Also, since I started this, not a single bit of blood from the gums while brushing.  I'm recalling the time I read a book written by a Jewish doctor that had been through the concentration camps in Nazi Germany (I think it's called "Man's Search for Meaning" or something), and I remember him mentioning the exceptional tooth and gum health of his fellow starving prisoners.  Have I discovered the key to dental health?  I can see it now, the Canadian Dental Health Association is gonna be coming after me for damages any day now...  For the record, I recommend brushing on a regular basis WITHOUT toothpaste or mouthwash, unless you enjoy scrubbing your teeth with abrasives twice a day, and then burning the hell out of all the tissue in your mouth.  It doesn't hurt to use it occasionally, but I don't brush with toothpaste unless I'm trying to scrub something off, like stains or something.  I've never had a cavity, while my little brother, who brushes twice a day, uses mouthwash, and doesn't eat sugar, practically has rotted out every tooth in his mouth.  "You mean dentists don't want me to have a mouth free of tooth decay?"  Go figure...

Will write more if there's anything to report.  May you live long, and prosper.

Edit: 4:35PM body temperature is 36.9C  :D

My mood: a bit blah
My health: OK

Edit2: 8:30PM after sleeping from 5:30, 64 hours SLF, weight 130, temp 36.6, heartrate 72 bpm.

Breath is kinda gross again, got a bit of nasty smelling BO like strong meat eater kinda smell.  Hunger cravings are still somewhat present, but infrequent and not very intense.  Energy level is low, I won't be shovelling off any drive ways tonight.  I'm looking forward to the 72 hour mark, hopefully my sources are correct in saying that day 3 is the last day of feeling hungry, it's getting old.  I have to say that today has been the day I was most likely to break the fast so far, my brother was putting globe grapes into a container to take to work, I nearly reached out and ate one.  I feel low energy and somewhat discouraged, I'm doubting whether I can make it 10 days like this.  I will find a quiet spot in the house and just meditate for awhile on my reasons for doing this, see if I can't find some strength in stillness.

Thanks for reading.

Water Fast Day 2

Time is 8:34 pm.  Weight is 132.5, BP 124/82, pulse is 68 bpm.

It is now 40.5 hours since I last ate.  Today hasn't been so difficult for the most part.  It was when I first woke up, I was so hungry I just about took a bite out of a cardboard cover for some cookie sheets that was leaning against the wall, displaying some scrumptious looking double chocolate cookies.  After I got some water into me I felt better.

Detox symptoms are a slight fever, more like a flush.  I looked at my hands a couple of hours ago and noticed the skin is quite pink, and my face is as well.  I would've liked to have taken my temperature, but, you'll see why I didn't in the next paragraph.  I've also got a bit of acne breaking out on my face.  The breath is still bad, and still with the runny nose.  I'm also experiencing some minor joint aches in my knees and hips.  I feel a bit like I've got a mild cold or something.

I was upstairs in my room with the door closed when I smelled it, wafting in from underneath my door apparently.  Cooking rice...  I don't ever remember the smell of rice being so potent before!  It was mentioned that I would notice a further increase in my sense of smell, much like what I experienced when I was eating nothing but raw foods.  I feel like I can smell everything, I went to a pharmacy store to pick up a thermometer and to check my blood pressure.  The smell of the place was overwhelming.  So many scented candles and perfumes and cleaning agents and any other number of chemical smells.  Yuck.  BP is excellent, but the only thermometers they had there were almost $100, the $12 ones were out of stock...  I had hoped to monitor my body temperature during this trial, I will go back tomorrow and see if they have any more, maybe try some other stores.

My mood: a bit sleepy
My health: somewhat well

Edit:  11:12PM, 43 hours.  I slept only 1 hour, theoretically not enough time to get any quality REM sleep.  However, I feel extremely alert and well rested, and the joint aching that I reported has gone.  Looks like I kept something from Uberman, either that or I'm requiring a great deal less sleep from this fast.  Yesterday I did only get a total of 6 hours.  We'll see how it goes.

Lets Start the Blogging! Water Fast Day 1

Current weight is 136.5, down 1.5 pounds since the last time I measured 2 days ago.  The last food that I ate all of yesterday in preparation for fasting was 4 carrots and a lot of spinach.  Oh, and a tomato, so I'm not surprised to see some weight loss already.

11 hours into my fast, and all's well!  I slept probably a good six or seven hours...  oi, I had almost forgotten how nasty it is waking up from sleeping so long.  Right now I'm not following any sleep schedule whatsoever, as I practice something called free sleeping.  Basically I sleep whenever I feel like it, for as long as I feel like it, it's very simple.  I plan to sleep like this throughout my fast since I understand that the detoxification process can be hard on the body, and the more water I drink and rest I get, the better able my body will be able to deal with it.

I had a bit of hunger when I first woke up, but it went away as soon as I told my stomach that I wasn't going to be feeding it for awhile, and drank some room temperature water.  I have a standing water filter that holds something like 4 gallons, so the water in there is always room temp except when I refill it, which is how I like it.

And other than that there's not really anything to report.  I feel normal, if a bit stiff and groggy still from sleeping so much.  I really can't wait to get back to Uberman.  Even though I haven't been able to fully adjust myself to it yet, I still prefer sleeping that way.  And this time I almost made it, I was actually starting to have dreams during some of my naps!

Well I'm off to do some light exercise.   May the force be with you.

Edit:  I'm now at 25 hours, feeling rather elated when I'm not feeling hungry.  I've noticed I'm more talkative than usual, and in the mood for rave music, which hasn't been the case for quite awhile. maybe the body is metabolizing all that MDMA residue.  :P

My nose is runny, and I have a slight cough.  Also I'm noticing that my breath isn't smelling so sweet, but that's all for detox symptoms so far.

Evidence of my food addiction has never been so apparent.  I enter a room and find my eyes unconsciously darting about the room looking for something to eat, like a crackhead surfing the carpet for nuggets.

I haven't fasted in a long while, but I'm remembering it being much more difficult back in those days.  Could be because I'm setting my expectation much higher this time, 10 days is much longer than I've ever fasted before.  It also could be because I'm a lot more in control of my thoughts than before, I don't allow myself to indulge in thoughts of food.  Whenever those thoughts come about, I just rebuttal them and they disappear.  No point in thinking about something I can't have.

Well I'm getting drowsy, time for some more sleep.

Water/Juice Fasting

Well I have taken a break from trying to adapt to polyphasic sleep, due to oversleeping.  So I'm resetting my circadian rhythm which basically involves sleeping whenever I feel like it for awhile.  I've decided to take advantage of the time off, and try out a long fast.

I'm not a stranger to fasting, but I have never done more than 48 hours at a time, but these days I'm hearing about people fasting for much longer than that.  Apparently (in most cases) it's perfectly fine for a healthy, well nourished man to consume nothing but water for 50-70 days straight, and some people have fasted using juice for even longer than that.  This is used by folks trying to rid their bodies of disease, and is supposedly very effective against cancer.  This makes a lot of sense to me, since the body would be scavenging itself looking for anything other than the vital organs to consume for energy, and a cancerous growth would certainly fit the bill.  I tell ya, I'd try this for 40 days before I'd ever do chemotherapy/radiation.

Regardless, I'm perfectly healthy as far as I can tell.  But there's always room for improvement, and it's been a long time since I've had a good fast.  I smoked tobacco for about 9 years, and have done a wide variety of different drugs including legal ones that I'm sure have left something behind, and it would be good to give my body a chance to take care of that.

So for some reason the part in the Jesus story where he goes out into the desert for 40 days popped into my head.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't buy into the Bible as a source of reliable information, but I'm sure that it is based on things that actually happened.  And while I don't buy for a second that Jesus was anything more than a human being, I do think that he was an exceptional human being, worth using as a role model.  I only wish I had an accurate representation of his life.  However, I can use my intuition to filter out the things that I read, and when something pops out at me like the way this story did, I tend to pay attention to it.  So 30 days it is, in the desert, having nothing but clean water from the ground and the sky.

A 30 day fast is a serious proposition however, especially when done in isolation, and would require a level of faith in my body that I don't currently have.  So, I'm going to start with a 10 day fast in my house, drinking nothing but filtered tap water, and maybe some small amounts of juice if I feel I must.  I began by eating the rest of my carrots and spinach this morning, which clears out all the perishable food of mine that is in this house.  I will resume eating on Jan 13 barring some sort of medical emergency.  Sounds pretty straightforward right?

I'll do my best to keep a progress report of the subjective effects this has on me on this blog, for your consideration.

So You Want To Quit Smoking?

So you want to quit smoking do you?  You're not trying to BS someone are you?  Is this because your significant other wants you to quit, and you're just secretly making a feeble attempt at it just to placate them?  Do you say you want to quit because it's just too expensive, but you still enjoy smoking?  Maybe you're past all that, and you're really sick of smoking, and the only thing keeping you there is that it's just too hard to quit the addiction.

I'm here to tell you that whatever the reason is, you can quit smoking, easily, without any drugs, without any willpower, and with barely any withdrawal symptoms.

I know, I'm crazy right?  You've tried to quit before, and you got terrible shakes and anxiety, nausea, headaches, insomnia, etc etc.  Well I hate to break this to you, but you caused all those things all by yourself.  The truth is that nicotine withdrawal symptoms are barely noticeable, mostly characterized as a slight uneasy feeling.  The torture comes from your own cyclical thought processes that you're allowing to run through your head, and constantly denying yourself something that you're telling yourself that you want.  Here's how it goes;

Your brain says, "I want my cigarette, it's time."  You say, "No, I'm trying to quit."

So your brain says, "But I really need a cigarette!  I don't feel right!"  You say, "No,(insert your reason for wanting to quit here) ,"  But you're feeling stressed because you're denying yourself something that you're also telling yourself that you need.

"But I REALLY REALLY NEED A SMOOOOOOOOKE!!!!!"  And this cycle keeps on repeating.  Pretty soon you'll be feeling some quality anxiety, perhaps your hands are shaking, maybe you feel nausea and you're getting the mother of all headaches.  It's all from fighting yourself, you may as well give in because you're eventually gonna wear yourself down.  The only way this works is through an enormous application of willpower.  I actually managed to quit this way once, probably one of the worst weeks of my life.  Then after a couple of months I got started again...

  Go ahead and tell me that I'm wrong, that's the source of your problem right there.  You've let this silly addiction get ahold of you, and you've made all these excuses over the span of your addiction to justify it.  You know the ones. 

Smoking helps me deal with stress.

Smoking helps me relax.

I like the taste of smoking.

It's a social thing.

I can't quit because it's too hard, I don't want to deal with all that intense suffering.

Etc etc. 

STOP IT!  Let me let you in on a little secret.  It doesn't matter what it is, if you hear something enough times, you will believe it to be true.  Let me say that again.  If you hear something repeated to you enough times, you will believe it to be true.

If you hear something enough times, you WILL believe it to be TRUE!!!

I'm serious, it's absolutely true, why do you think advertisers pay so much to have their logo all over the place?  And don't think the company that markets nicorette/Zyban/Champix doesn't know this too, they want you to believe that quitting smoking is the hardest thing you'll ever do.  They want you to believe that it'll take every ounce of willpower you have PLUS their product to quit smoking, and you'll probably manage to do it.  The problem is, you've replaced one addiction for another, and as soon as you stop taking your gum/pill, you'll probably start craving that cigarette again, and that's what they really want; you to get addicted again so you have to go through a whole new cycle of their therapy in a pill.

You've been programming yourself from the first nasty cigarette that you had.  It made you sick, and the taste was awful, so you had to justify what you were doing somehow with a reason.  You said that reason to yourself over and over.  Maybe over time you realized that that reason was bullshit.  It isn't really cool to smoke, it doesn't make you more of an adult, it isn't really relieving any kind of stress, etc, so you came up with better reasons, and so on.  Maybe now you're telling yourself that you can't quit because it's just way too hard.  It's all just bullshit that you've made up to justify your addiction, plain and simple.

So, if you want to quit, you need to rewrite your programming.  I'll tell you how, and this'll probably make you shake your head at first.  When you're done the pack of smokes you have now, go buy the strongest kind of cigarettes you can buy.  I'd recommend Players Filter, or Export A Green.  If that's what you're already smoking, cut 3/4 of the filter off with a pair of scissors.  Now, light up that first smoke of the pack and every time you inhale, say this in your head.  "I don't like smoking."  Then on the exhale, you say, "I am a non-smoker."  Pay attention to the taste of that smoke, the feeling of it burning your throat and lung tissue.  Feel the rise of nausea in your stomach.  Try and summon some emotion when you make these statements to give them some punch.  The more you feel what you're saying is true, the fewer times you'll need to repeat these mantras before you'll be ready to quit.

What's important about these mantras is that you're talking in the present tense.  You're not "trying to quit", you already have, you are a non smoker.  This is the key, because as long as you're only trying to quit smoking, you'll never actually get there.  The future doesn't exist man, all you've got is now.

Keep doing this for every single drag you take, for as long as it takes before you can't stand to smoke anymore; Till the thought of having a cigarette is so foul to you that you dread lighting up the next one.  Then keep it up for one more pack.

When you get to your last cigarette, really make it your last cigarette.  I want you to burn this moment into your memory, find a unique place, maybe out in nature, any place that you will be able to remember forever.  Choke down that last cigarette and when you've had enough of it, destroy it and say, "That was my last cigarette!  I'm free!"  I actually had a few tears when I crushed the butt of my last cigarette into oblivion, those little sticks didn't control my life anymore.

There will be very little cravings, because non-smokers don't crave cigarettes.  If you ever get tempted to have a drag again, repeat your mantra.  "I'm a non-smoker."  Remember your last cigarette and what you said when you were done.  You are free now, this stick has no power over you.  What an empowering thing it is to say that to someone who offers you a smoke.  "No thanks, I don't smoke."  Not, "No thanks, I'm trying to quit."

And this is very important, because the way that smoking traps you is this; the first smoke gives you some minor short term buzz similar to a crack high, and then every single cigarette after that is only for relieving the cravings caused by the previous cigarette, just like any other addiction.  Don't fall for the "just one drag" trap, that smoke has nothing to offer you but slavery.  You're a non-smoker.  You're a non-smoker.  Smoking is disgusting, and you hate it.  Smoking is disgusting, and you hate it.  You are free now, you don't need to smoke.  Get it?

Polyphasic Sleep Log Day 28

While I’m somewhat ashamed to admit it, today is only the second day I managed to make it through 24 hours without any oversleeping whatsoever. I must admit, I’ve come a long way since day 1, having learned some valuable techniques that help me get to sleep within minutes, picked up some minor programming skills by making my own alarm clock using windows task scheduler and itunes, and not to mention gained some good wake-up hygiene.

Probably the hardest part of this task has been overcoming my old wake-up habits, sluggishly rolling myself towards my alarm to hit snooze 3 times before I’d finally get up. More than once I’ve woken up and had to bite my tongue for shutting off my alarm and then going back to sleep, only to wake up 4-8 hours later. But I think I’ve finally worked my system out, and I’m ready to tackle “zombie phase”, which is just getting started.

One of the most useful tools I’ve picked up since starting this program is the use of mantras to set solid intentions. Not only have they helped me to not sleep through my alarms (I’m actually waking up fairly frequently now before my alarm goes off), but they make falling asleep a breeze. Nothing helps the conscious mind disengage like repeating the same thing over and over. I’ve also found them very useful for helping me remember my dreams, and I’d imagine that once I start dreaming again without oversleeping, I’ll be able to lucid dream much more effectively with the use of a good mantra before sleep. Being a person reasonably experienced with meditation, I’m surprised that I’ve never used mantras before; I just never felt the need.

Another thing I’ve picked up from this, is the ability to condition myself out of my old habits. I was having major problems stopping myself from going back to bed after shutting off my alarm, it was just too ingrained of a habit for my sleep deprivation addled brain to get out of. But after a hundred or so repetitions of false wakings, following a routine that involves turning on the lights, making the bed, and recording any relevant sleep data, I’m having a much easier time of this. And while I haven’t felt the need to repeat a false “pass-out” routine, I’ve developed one none the less and I can say that I can usually fall asleep now within a couple of minutes of starting, as opposed to the 15-30 minutes it used to take me.

Even should I choose to abandon the uberman schedule, the effort has still taught me a lot of skills that I can apply to other areas of my life, and I’m very grateful for that!

Well, I must go feed. Until next time…

My mood: very awake

1-20 of 29 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Thoughts on Thoughts, posted December 26th, 2012
I Had a Raven Companion, posted June 1st, 2012
Life on the Farm, posted May 3rd, 2012, 1 comment
Leaving, posted April 25th, 2012
Embracing Change, posted April 23rd, 2012
Dad Uses, posted April 1st, 2012, 4 comments
God Talks Back, posted March 21st, 2012
Heaven, posted June 11th, 2011
Love,, posted April 29th, 2011
Who I Am, posted April 18th, 2011, 1 comment
I Am Lost, posted March 8th, 2011
Fast Complete, posted July 21st, 2010
Water Fasting, posted July 17th, 2010
Are You A Lost Cause?, posted January 6th, 2010, 1 comment
Water Fast Day 3 - Revenge of the Runny Nose, posted January 5th, 2010, 3 comments
Water Fast Day 2, posted January 4th, 2010, 1 comment
Lets Start the Blogging! Water Fast Day 1, posted January 3rd, 2010, 5 comments
Water/Juice Fasting, posted January 3rd, 2010, 3 comments
So You Want To Quit Smoking?, posted December 25th, 2009, 5 comments
Polyphasic Sleep Log Day 28, posted December 20th, 2009
Polyphasic Sleep Log Day 16, posted December 8th, 2009
Bastard! (Day 13), posted December 5th, 2009
Polyphasic Sleep Log Day 12, posted December 5th, 2009, 2 comments
Polyphasic Sleep Log Day 8, posted November 30th, 2009
Purposeful Living, posted November 29th, 2009
Survival is the Gravity of Love, posted October 31st, 2009
Why the Planet Spins, posted October 17th, 2009
I get emotional [RANT], posted August 28th, 2009, 4 comments
You Are Not Alone, posted August 28th, 2009

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